Hearing aids are mismarketed. Right now, I should be trying to figure out how to pay $3000 for some espionage-ready X-man hearing skills. I’m talking targeted, telescopic microamps that add 100 zeros to the Whisper 2000.

Seriously, these things should make the Bionic Man noise when I jut out my neck and crank heavy reverb when I suck in sound, hands on hips.

“Honey, the neighbors have termites.”